A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own. ~Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain

It is a month almost since I have written anything in this blog, and it has been relatively uneventful except for a certain feeling that I need to put my house in order, so to speak, regarding my own mortality and the consequences of my passing to those around me.

I am not sick (as far as I know) and, touch wood, have no intention of having a nasty accident, but somehow my mind has been turning to the what ifs.

Usually when I scan through the blogs on here, I get 20 quilting pages or 20 Baptist churches.  Last time I came on, I got one after another on cancer, sickness, support groups, people who had defeated illness, people who were fighting illness, and in two sad cases, the blogs recording the last months and days of people who in the end lost the battle.

It made me sad and thoughtful at the same time.  A year ago, a friends sister went to the doctor with a sore back, thinking she had pulled a muscle or something.  She was diagnosed with agressive cancer and died a year later, after having been given only a few months to live.  She was 29 when she was diagnosed.  She had 4 young children.

So I got to thinking, I am 36 this birthday, so clearly, I can no longer say I am "too young" for it to happen to me.  I have 2 young kids and a husband who live with me in Canada while all of our other family members are in the UK.  What if...

What if something happened to me?  How would Lee manage with the kids?  He works shifts so would he have to leave his job to look after them - how would he support them?  Who would help him?  What about bills and debts?

What if something happened to both of us?  Who would the kids go to?  Probably my parents, but before they could get to them who would look after them in the short term while my parents made plans to come out to Canada?  Would they end up in care until the legalities were sorted out?

We have no wills or life insurance.  We don't get regular check ups.  I suddenly realised steps need to be taken... and fast.

I am setting up a Will on-line and will get Lee to do the same.  We don't need to get a full notorised one as we rent our house and don't really own much, its mainly to ensure the kids stability.  We need to get Life insurance arranged asap and both get a medical.  And a really important one, we need to make sure our best friends here have the numbers of both of our parents so that if there is an accident, someone can contact them and make arrangements.

I am not someone who fears death, I never have, but I do fear what my parting would do to those around me.  I would not like a long, lingering death, but at the same time, if I were able to spend one extra day with my husband and children, would I not fight to do so?

Albert Einstein said "Our death is not an end if we live on in our children and the younger generation.  For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life."  This resonates with me.  I have always loved the image of the tree of life.  In fact, I have just been creating a family tree for the kids to know their heritage as they grow up, and I have drawn a tree of life image for the background.  The drawing is something I would like as a tattoo in time also, with my name and my husbands in the roots, and the kids names among the leaves.  My children are my legacy on the world, and I will do my best to teach them the errors of history and the ways to use them for a better future, as any good parent does, but mainly, I hope, I will teach them to love and be loved.