Welcome to my Asylum!

A place to empty my head of the random musing and mumblings that populate it on a daily basis.

Thursday 8 December 2011

May you live in interesting times....





Interesting Times by (Sir)Terry Pratchett

Extract from the beginning of the book.... (if you like it, you can follow the link to a website I found where the whole darn thing is there for free, along with all his other books in the Discworld Series - oh, and by the way, I am actually going to blog, this is just a bit of a scene setter for my rambles.  Whether the scene is even in the same vicinity as my ramblings is for you to decide!)

There is a curse.
They say: May You Live in Interesting Times

This is where the gods play games with the lives of men, on a board which is at one and the same time a simple playing area and the whole world.
And Fate always wins.

Fate always wins. Most of the gods throw dice but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out until too late that he's been using two queens all along.

Fate wins. At least, so it is claimed. Whatever happens, they say afterwards, it must have been Fate.

Gods can take any form, but the one aspect of themselves they cannot change is their eyes, which show their nature. The eyes of Fate are hardly eyes at all - just dark holes into an infinity speckled with what may be stars or, there again, may be other things.  He blinked them, smiled at his fellow players in the smug way winners do just before they become winners, and said:

'I accuse the High Priest of the Green Robe in the library with the double-handed axe.'  And he won.

He beamed at them.

'No-one likesh a poor winner,' grumbled Offler the Crocodile God, through his fangs.

'It seems that I am favouring myself today,' said Fate. 'Anyone fancy something else?'

The gods shrugged.

'Mad Kings?' said Fate pleasantly. 'Star-Crossed Lovers?'

'I think we've lost the rules for that one,' said Blind Io, chief of the gods.

'Or Tempest-Wrecked Mariners?'

'You always win,' said Io.

'Floods and Droughts?' said Fate. 'That's an easy one.'

A shadow fell across the gaming table. The gods looked up.

'Ah,' said Fate.

'Let a game begin,' said the Lady.

There was always an argument about whether the newcomer was a goddess at all. Certainly no-one ever got anywhere by worshipping her, and she tended to turn up only where she was least expected, such as now. And people who trusted in her seldom survived. Any temples built to her would surely be struck by lightning. Better to juggle axes on a tightrope than say her name. Just call her the waitress in the Last Chance saloon.

She was generally referred to as the Lady, and her eyes were green; not as the eyes of humans are green, but emerald green from edge to edge. It was said to be her favourite colour.

'Ah,' said Fate again. 'And what game will it be?'

She sat down opposite him. The watching gods looked sidelong at one another. This looked interesting. These two were ancient enemies.

'How about. . .' she paused,'. . . Mighty Empires?'

'Oh, I hate that one,' said Offler, breaking the sudden silence.  'Everyone dief at the end.'
'Yes,' said Fate, 'I believe they do.' He nodded at the Lady, and in much the same voice as professional gamblers say 'Aces high?' said, 'The Fall of Great Houses? Destinies of Nations Hanging by a Thread?'

'Certainly,' she said.


..... Terry Pratchett is without doubt my favourite author of modern times.  As a teenager, I lost myself in fantasy fiction of all kinds written by people such as David Eddings, Anne McCaffrey, Piers Anthony etc, and I loved them all, but then I grew up... and then I discovered Pratchett.  I found him in University and it has resulted in a cerebral love affair with him and his Discworld books for 15 years or so.  I was a history buff, I studied history, but I read history books 'for fun', I watched documentaries about the Roman and Greek empires to kick back and relax, enormous tomes of Ancient world mythology were my bedtime stories from the time I was ten....  then here was Pratchett.  His books took history, politics, mythology, old world fairie-tales and wove them in with a sarcasm and dry humour that I could not help but marvel at.    It became a game to spot the references to historical figures (Leonard of Quirm being an obvious reference to Leonardo da Vinci, Lord Vetinari being a not so obvious reference to the Medici of Italy- Its in the name ....you'll figure it out)

One of his books is called 'Interesting Times' and is based on the so called ancient Chinese Curse "May you live in interesting times".  I find we are living in very interesting times, and I wonder who it was that cursed us to it.  Maybe Fate and Lady Luck are playing games, just like in the book....

Sir Terry (the Queen wisely decided to give him a knighthood) is a remarkable man from a very unremarkable background.  He grew up in the UK, is the most prolific and most sold writer of modern times, despite his inevitable millions, he is still living in the UK and did not decide to escape like some of us, is friends with Tony Robinson (Baldrick from Blackadder) who narrates many of his books on audio book collections, and is a sufferer of Early Onset Alzheimer's.

Here is a man who has built a career from being able to store and recall pieces of seemingly useless information, like what a Boggart is, and weave them into a story to make millions of people smile, is slowly having his memory taken away from him at when he is still in the prime of life....  That's Fate having a laugh right there....

So, while we live in interesting times on a national level, there are always the individuals suffering as well, and most do it in silence.  Pratchett, did not and does not suffer in silence.  He speaks out about his disease and its consequences, and he is also bringing the subject of assisted suicide to the table while he's at it.  He wants to be able to chose to die before every part of him is sucked away by this, and frankly I can't say I blame him.

(OK time to get to the point of my ramble...) Lots of people hide things like this, from fear, from embarrassment, but the more people talk about things the more people can sort out their problems, whatever they may be.

I have 2 little 'issues' of my own.  Firstly, I suffer off and on from Depression.  Secondly, a week before my second daughter was born, I filed for bankruptcy.

I know other people who have been through both these things, one quite often inspires the other!  The main difference is that most of them have been embarrassed, fearful of what other people would think.  Depression can bring on financial woes, financial woes can bring on depression.  And guess what.... there isn't an App for that!  Mr Jobs may be working on one right now from the other side of the pearly gates, but right as of this moment there is no easy fix, you can't press a button and take it away.

My husband and I used to work for the same place.  Another couple we knew did too.  One day we got told it was shutting down.  We were lucky, we got new jobs, less wage but jobs nonetheless.  We rented our home.  We managed.

Our friends didn't get new jobs for a few months.  They owned their home....or rather the bank did.  Because they missed payments, the bank hiked up their payments to nearly $3000 a month once they were working again.  Their truck was repossessed in the middle of the night.  My friend contemplated suicide but could not do that to her husband and daughter because she had no life insurance and they would have had to pay funeral costs.  She spiralled into depression and her marriage nearly broke up.  They told no one except their family and us...

When we found we were going to have another child, we contacted the credit card people, the banks etc and told them I would be going on mat leave and could not afford to pay for a while.  They would not listen.  We asked to work something out, they would not listen.  So we claimed bankruptcy and they had no choice but to listen.  Unlike our friends, when we found we were in the same situation, I told anyone that wanted to know how things were.  I was open with my friends and I found out more than one had been through bankruptcy in the past, but had kept it quiet.  There is so much shame attached, but in an economy like the one we have today, really, it is nothing to be ashamed of.  Banks take you for everything they can while you are on the up, but as soon as you are down they don't want to know.

It was the best thing we ever did.  18 months later, we are coming to the end of the 21 month period, and we have not paid the full amount, we will likely be paying something every month for another year to fully clear it, but the point is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  There is always a way, and you can get through, you just have to breathe deeply and be honest, with your self and with others.  Shit happens!  and it happens to good people.  We struggled for 3 years on hardly anything when we moved to Canada.  We went without meals to feed our child.  I wore boots with holes in for a full winter, arrived at work with soaking wet feet in minus 40 degrees to make sure she was warmly clothed.  We tried.... but sometimes something just has to give.  We live in interesting times and sometimes it can be a curse, but it can be a blessing too...  We became a closer family because of it.  We became less materialistic....  We came to understand what was important, what wasn't, when to fight, and when to admit defeat and ask for help.

With depression you can get a pill to help you feel better, but with financial worries you have to ask for help.... not to borrow money, but real help in sorting it out.  In a year, we will be done. We will have a terrible credit rating for a few years, but we will have no more debt.  We will have spare cash to pay for new clothes, dance and guitar lessons for our kids, pizza night, date night, maybe even a holiday.  These are things so many people take for granted, but really, most of us are only 2 pay cheques away from disaster.

Our friends lost their home in the end.....  but from bad things come good.  They moved back to their hometown on the other side of Canada, they are close to their family again, they are done their bankruptcy and both have stable jobs.... they have pizza night and the occasional vacation.... they are happy.... they had their interesting times and now they know what is important again....

So my message after all this.  Embrace adversity.  Revel in the Interesting Times in which we live.  For every time of hardship we enter there is a time of peace as we leave it.  Every rain storm finishes with a rainbow.  The bigger the storm, the more vibrant the rainbow is.  As Christmas approaches, don't worry about what you don't have, treasure what you do, and most of all, be true and allow others into you life so they can help you and you can help them....

Wednesday 30 November 2011

Halloween, Sparks camp and such

Well, here we are about to embark on December and we woke up to snow this morning.  Surprisingly, we haven't had much of the white stuff in October and November, so the activities mentioned in this post took place in relative comfort and little snow (even if it was a bit chilly) - a nice change from the usual Calgary weather.

So first we had Halloween.  Now Freyja had many outfits this year - a witch for the Sparks trip to the Corn Maze, a cat for the school party, a zombie for the Sparks party and a poodle for Halloween itself (have I mentioned she is going to grow up 'High Maintenance'?).  The cat and the zombie were her costumes from last year and the year before which I had made roomy in the hope they would last a few years - good decision!  This years poodle ourfit really just consisted of some pink pants and a pink woolly sweater to keep her warm out on the cold streets, along with some ears, tail and poofy poodly bits fashioned from socks, pink bath scrunchies and wire coat hangers (I grew up watching Blue Peter in the UK - you can make anything out of nothing if you really try!!)  I think she looks darned cute - what do you think?


 




I made a bit of an effort this year at decorating the yard for Halloween, though still trying not to spend much cash.  Our old moving boxes got turned into grave stones, and all in all looked fairly spooky for the kids coming round trick or treating.  The one eyed alien pumpkin was Freyja's design - we even made it so it was eating a baby pumpkin!

Rosie was just a little baby at Halloween last year, and though she went out with us this year, I don't think she was old enough yet to appreciate it.  She was still in her stroller, and rather cold, and really did not like being in her unicorn outfit, so sadly no pictures of her - but she did seem happy when she got home.  





Just after Halloween was Sparks camp.  Last year Freyja had a great time off for the weekend with the girls in her troupe.  This year it was a Moms and Daughters weekend.  Now I have not slept in a dormitory with other people since school so it was a bit of an experience, but it was much needed time for Freyja and I to reconnect and have time without her little sister being there.  Freyja has been a bit difficult due to jealousy and this really seemed to help her understand that I do still love her, she just has to share my time.  The picture here is her Sparks leader "Angel' surrounded by some of the girls, shortly before they tackled her to the floor with no mercy - They are a rough lot these Sparks!

Rosie was left with Lee for the weekend, and they needed time alone together just as much as Freyja and I.  Rosie has always been quite clingy to me, but she had a great time with Lee and has been a changed girl for him.  She lets him do bed time without a fuss, I can leave the house without it being the end of the world, and best yet, we had a night out and she didn't send the babysitter demented!!

The night out was for Lee's work Christmas party.  I bought a 1950's style dress, so thought I would do my hair and make up in a similar pin-up way.  We have my christmas work party this weekend so I can try to get the look better for that (the dress was costly by my standards so I want to get maximum use from it this season!)    Sadly, the party took place as I was getting better from 2 weeks of being off work sick with a chest infection that set off an asthma reaction, so I didn't really do anything of any interest in those weeks, just a lot of sofa time!

And as an end, I will leave you with a couple more very cute pictures of my lovely girls!








Friday 28 October 2011

Lest we forget

Remembrance Day will be upon us soon, and with it the eternal red poppy (though now we seem to be getting white, black and even pink poppies appearing). 

I am wearing a poppy this year and did last year, but for a few years I chose not to. 

There is a certain level of 'Poppy Facism'. as one TV Journalist labelled it and it is an individuals decision whether or not to wear the flower in remembrance of those who have lost their lives in conflict.

I had a certain conflict of conscience over the poppy a few years back.  Many people stopped wearing them, as I did, in a kind of protest at the wars we were being sucked into in Iraq, and then Afghanistan.  However, I, like many others, are wearing them again as we have realised that our misguided protest left many veterans without a source of financial assistance that they dearly need and we may not have agreed with the war, but we still wanted to honour those who chose to serve their country.

My Grandfather fought in WW2, he hated every minute of it and I believe suffered severely from shell shock.  He had been working in the coal mines in the UK from aged 14, despite suffering from claustrophobia, and suddenly then found himself in the trenches in France.  I don't think he ever truly recovered from the experience, and refused to speak about it to any of us.

His brother was more open with his memories of the war with his children, and I found out at his funeral, that not only had he served in the war, but he was one of those on the beaches at Dunkirk.

I wear a poppy for my Grandfather and his brother, but I also wear it for the many soldiers of many nations who find themselves in wars not of their own making, but who choose to serve in order to protect their lives, their homelands, their ideals.  I do not distinguish between sides.  In any war there are losses of lives, in any war there are innocent victims, I choose to wear a poppy for them.

I may not agree with a particular conflict, or the reasoning behind it, but I can still support our troops, in Canada, and the UK.  I also choose to remember those who died on the other side.

My Grandfather hated fighting in the war for a reason, because it was not in him to kill.  Many men on both sides of the lines felt that way, but they had little choice. Kill, or be killed, perhaps by your own countrymen in the firing line as a deserter - no conscientious objectors allowed then.

Wear a poppy, lest we forget those who have died in all conflicts, and pray to whichever God you chose that we can find a way to end war, in all its forms, in all countries, and share the miracle that is life.

Thursday 27 October 2011

Holy Brrrr Batman!! It's cold out there!

In the 5 weeks or so since my last post (I know, I know, I'm crap aren't I!!) it has changed from sunny days at the waterpark to chill winds and autumn colours.  Yes, it is officially Autumn / Fall in Calgary.

My tree looked beautiful yesterday morning, all reds, golds and oranges. 

By last night, it was naked, almost embarrassed looking!  My fake cobwebs, lovingly and perfectly draped by Freyja about the tree and shrubbery acted as a magnet to all the falling leaves and now look like some abstract art installation piece - not exactly scary for Halloween.

And what has happened in the last 5 weeks you may ask!  Well, on a global scale, much of the same, economic crisis, political crisis and still no apparent world peace (much to the upset of Beauty Queens everywhere) but on a more personal scale, quite a lot has occurred.

     Firstly, we had a return to school by my eldest daughter.  This was quite momentous for us, as she had her Kindergarten year in a different school doing French immersion, and it wasn't really working out as we had hoped.  This year, she is attending a school just 5 minutes walk from our house, and the dayhome we use is just over the school field, so in the morning I drop Freyja and Rosie at the dayhome, with the fabulous Margie who they both love, and then Freyja walks across to the school with another of the dayhome kids.  Her dayhome friend, N,  also has a little brother, D,  at the dayhome who stays there with Rosie through the day.

The change has been great.  Last year, she would come home from school and not remember a thing she had done all day - this year you can't shut her up about what she has done / learned.  Last year she didn't really like her teacher, this year her new teacher is the best in the world (Thank you Mrs V!)  and her reading skills are just coming on in leaps and bounds, as is her confidence and her ability to make new friends.

She went back to Sparks too, and joined Musical Theatre classes.  As a bonus, one of her Sparks friends is in her Grade 1 class and her Musical Theatre class.  They are now great buddies and all set for a sleep over at our house this weekend.

Talking of sleepovers and Sparks, Freyja and I are off to the Mother/Daughter camp in 10 days!  Lee is having Rosie at home, and it will be his first time overnight with her - actually right through the weekend!  She is such a mamma's girl and forever pushing away Lee, so I think this weekend is going to be just what we all need.  Rosie needs some time with Daddy so she can realise that he can kiss those booboo's better too, and Daddy needs to have Rosie time, poor thing hasn't had much of a look in so far.

The other thing about the sleepover is that Freyja will get my attention for 2 whole days with no baby sister to interrupt.  Her behaviour with me (and only me) has been getting progressively worse and its pretty much all down to jealousy I think.  This weekend is going to be a big help to that I hope.

My other big thing is that I am now officially an Avon lady!  I have been wanting to start my own business in some way for a long time but didn't have the money to do it.  Avon allows me to try it out and see if I can juggle two kids, activities and a full time job, and still get my chores done as well as the business.  So far, the Avon is doing OK, as I build up my customer base, but the chores are falling by the wayside.  Lee is doing his share and more and I feel like I am getting nothing done and am spreading myself just a little too thin.  Other mothers manage all this, so why can't I???  I am hoping that with a bit of practice, it will all come together, as any extra money I make would be very helpful (I need to pay for my citizenship application!) but if it ends up being too much, I know what has to give.

Today is the financial year end at work, normally my busiest day of the year, but rather than leaving it to the last minute as usual, this year we have been more proactive and the counting has been done over and over this last month, to the point where pretty much all discrepancies were cleared up.  As a consequence, I am sitting here at work with nothing better to do than balance the payroll hours, and update this blog......  I am getting fidgety though - there has to be something to correct surely!!

Last night was Freyja's first school dance (for Halloween - now only a few days away), and she also lost her first (and second) tooth this month.  Her adult ones are in already - no unsightly gaps for her (apart from the gap she has had since she knocked the top tooth out a week before her third birthday!!  That will be a gap for a good time yet apparently!) 

This has all been about Freyja, so what about Rosie......

She changes so much ever day, it's easy not to even notice, until one day you look and your baby isn't a baby any more.

She's 18 months old, and although she still isn't really talking (just 3 or 4 words that you have to already know what she's saying to understand) she sure understands us.  Give her some instructions and away she goes (maybe her big sister could learn some pointers there!)  She's bright and inquisitive and becoming very independent.

I'm not allowed to even try to feed her any more, if it can't be eaten independently, the it won't be eaten.

And she's all for trying out new things - in the manner of all children, sometimes the box is better than the toy that came in it too!

She loves anything and everything Dora, and will scream herself hoarse from the moment she is strapped in the van until the moment I start the engine so the DVD player comes on... Dora, Dora, Dora the Explorer..... Boots and super cool Explorer Dora!!

But most of all, she loves her sister.  Freyja doesn't yet understand how much, but my little independent girl is trying so hard to be just like my big little independent girl.  They are so alike in so many ways, and yet, at the same time, so individual. 


Oh, and one last thing has happened since my last post....

I completed the Run for the Cure.  5km in just under 45 minutes.  I was very proud to reach my goal, and even prouder to have taken part and have my family there to cheer me on, so here are a few pictures of that to finish off!

 


Monday 19 September 2011

Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation

Well, in less than 2 weeks, I am doing the 5KM Run for the Cure.
At my current state of (un)fitness, I am hoping to do it in around 40 minutes and expecting it will really take around 50 minutes.
I did a little practice 3km walk/run on my lunch break today and managed it in just 38.5 minutes. At the same rate of speed, I would do a 5km in just shy of 47 minutes, so hopefully I will be able to shave off those 7 minutes.
I have been doing Boot Camp classes to help get my fitness up and as I am still alive despite the pain, nausea and need to cough up a lung, I can only assume it is working.
Here's hoping this weeks boot camp and lunch time walks will get me that teeny bit faster so I can reach my goal!

Wednesday 27 July 2011

Update on the TO DO list...

I could probably be doing a bit better on this so maybe looking at this may spur me on...

Projects
1. Paint Dining Table and Chairs
2. Sew and repair all items in the sewing basket that have now been waiting over a year!
3. Paint Playroom with Mural
4. Scan old photos and put some on Facebook (started this one, but we have several hundred photos, so this could take some time!)
5. Put all photos into new albums and only keep the good ones! Started on this too but have so many photos I think it will take the full 500 days!!
6. Finish embroidery on Sparks bag for Freyja - DONE!!  Yay!
7. Make personalised crossstitch item for both girls in time for christmas 2011  their next birthdays - amended this one as I have decided what to make them and would rather personalise them for their birthday gift.

Kids
8. Finish Baby Book for Freyja (now 6 years old)
9. Get Baby Book up to date for Rosie
10. Create Family Tree for kids - DONE but ongoing as we find out more info.
11. Finish 1st Year Photos for Rosie
12. Make a Fairy house for the girls in the garden
13. Spend a Mom day with Freyja getting hair done / Nails done without baby coming too. We did spend a day, just us at the Childrens Festival, but I think I'll keep this on the list to have a real girlie day.
14. Volunteer for a day (maybe Thanksgiving) with Freyja to teach her how fortunate she is.
Health & Fitness
15. Get weight down below 170 lbs (Was over 200 when I went in to have Rosie)  - OH DEAR!!!
16. Run a 5K - Signed up for May 8th! - DONE!
17. Run a 10K - August or November depending on how long it takes to get fitness level up.
18. Incorporate fruit or vegetables into Lunch and Dinner every day for 2 weeks to get into the habit - hopefully then I'll keep doing it.
19. Don't eat chocolate or ice cream for a month (now this one will be hard!)
20. Get up to running 2 km instead of just walking and alternate running and walking up to 10km
21. Take a Belly Dancing or Pole Dancing class
Family
22. Go on a family vacation (at least twice/yr.)
23. Take a spontaneous weekend trip to somewhere close - We went camping with the people from work for a weekend and are off in a couple of weeks for another camping trip.
24. Get family pictures taken
25. Go on a picnic. We did this with our trip out to Johnson Lake near Banff
26. Go on a nature trail with kids.
Personal
27. Write in Blog at least once a week. Trying hard to do this now
28. Put together a photo collage for both sets of parents and my grandparents of me, DH and the girls
29. Write a letter to my Dad (He's been waiting a long time for this) Done!!!! Yay - only took 4 years!!
30. Write a short childrens story for the girls
31. Finish reading "Pride & Prejudice & Zombies"  DONE!
32. Finish the Dragon crossstitch I started when I was 19 (I am now 36 and it will only take a few hours to finish)
33. Get dragon cross stitch framed and put up with pride of place.
34. Take a cooking or painting class.
35. Make a will and set up what would happen to kids in W.C.S. - Underway
36. Write a letter or make a video for kids for them to have of me if anything happened.
Finance
37. Save some money for a visit back to the UK next year.
38. Save to RESP's for girls (Now set up finally!) I suppose I can consider this done as they are now set up and the saving has begun - just need to up the amount next year when we have a bit more cash on hand.
39. Set up RRSP's for me and DH.
 
Home & Organization
40. Clean oven every 2 weeks so it doesn't get so horrible
41. Set up Chore Chart for me, DH and Freyja so everyone does something to keep on top of things
42. Organize Playroom Done
43. Organize Office Space and get rid of stuff that really is not needed
44. Organize closet and get rid of big clothes so I can't 'grow' back into them. Done some but still have a few more things to get rid of
45. Go through memory boxes and condense them down before they take over the house.
46. Have a Garden Chore chart for the summer / fall
47. Plant seeds for flowers and veggies and grow garden with Freyja
48. Go through house and get rid of EVERYTHING we don't use - if you don't ever use it, you don't need it!

Food
49. Get a Box freezer for the basement
50. Create a 2 week meal planner and use it to shop and cook
51. Create a batch of freezer meals
52. Use herbs and veggies from our own garden and MAKE SURE THEY DON"T DIE!
53. Cut out as much processed food as possible
54. Retrain Freyja to eat without the use of Alphagetti, Chicken Nuggets or Ketchup (again this one may prove impossible)
55. Cook a new recipe each week from one of the many cook books we have.

Stop being a crazy lady and pull it together!!

That's what I've told myself, and that's what I've done.

I am no longer feeling like The End of (My) World is Nigh!  Actually, I'm feeling pretty good.

I got my blood tests done yesterday and my ultrasounds are in the morning.  Someone I know mentioned the symptoms I had sounded like Endometriosis, so, yes, I went back to the dreaded Internet, but with an actual affliction in mind you get so much more reliable results.  Looking at the symptoms, I think my friend was bang on in her diagnosis.  It sounds like symptoms I've been having since I was a teen, just that they have gotten progressively worse until I am at this point and in pain most days.  The thing is, whilst it's painful, and damned annoying, it is in no way life threatening.  So, while the Doc still needs to do his diagnosis and agree with this, I am feeling in a more positive frame of mind, because it is something I can again have control over.

Because of my little panic, and my current sunnier mindset, I have been reminded of just how much I adore my darling hubby and our beautiful daughters, and consequently I have been making the most of my spare time with the kids.  The house perpetually looks like a bomb site (hopefully no visitors will come!) but I had a lovely weekend at the splash park on Saturday and a classic car show on Sunday with my girls.  Fun was had and quality time was spent.  Monday, Freyja wanted to head to the park in the evening.  Usually I am full of excuses, it's too hot, too cold, too windy, too rainy, too late etc.  But Monday, I moved my lazy arse, and off we went.  It was lovely!  Sure, my own personal ground zero awaited me at home (it still does incidentally) but hell, there are always more dishes to clean, clothes to wash, floors to sweep, but how many precious moments of childhood are there remaining.  They tick by so fast, we need to grab them with both hands, capture memories on film and enjoy each precious second.... And then embarrass them with the photographic evidence when they are teenagers!!! :-)

Monday 18 July 2011

My name is Lisa and it has been a month since my last confession...

Well, not confession as such, but really, what is a blog if not a chance to expunge our soul and psyche of all the floating doubts and lingering guilt trips that we take ourselves on daily.

Since my last post, the feeling I have had of my own impending mortality has become stronger, and is now accompanied by pain, and lots of it.  What started as a niggle here and a niggle there, has become in a month a mind numbing assault of aches and stabbing sensations everywhere between chest and thigh level.  My whole lower back and abdomen is rebelling against me and I have no idea of the cause, so I am to visit the doctor in a couple of days.

Of course, I did the worst thing any person could do on getting pains, I consulted the internet.... never ever consult the internet with the intention of making a self diagnosis.... you will ALWAYS be dying of cancer!!  ALWAYS!!

Of course, I could be, but that is not the point.  I don't know what it is causing the pains.  It could be kidney stones, ovarian cysts, IBS (otherwise a very bad case of gas!), really any number of things, but of course what it now is, in my head, thanks to the internet, is Ovarian Cancer.  A cancer which kills more than half of the people who get it and therefore my prophetic feelings of doom are coming to pass.

But really, I am trying to talk myself out of this.  There is absolutely no history of cancer in my family, I am 36 so not in the prime age group to get it, I took the combined pill for 10 years which hugely lowers the risk, I have 2 children, both delivered by c-section, the second only being a year ago, so you'd have thought they would have noticed while they were in there if anything was not looking right.

Of course, that always brings up the other option - they left a foreign object in me at the c-section....  again, it has been over a year so probably would have shown up by this point....

The problem is that I do not know what is wrong, and I hate that!  I hate not knowing why something is happening.  I hate not being able to stop it.  I hate having to rely on a doctor to get enough information from my garbled list of symptoms that they will send me for the correct round of tests in order to successfully come to a correct diagnosis.  I hate not being in control.....

I am a control freak.....  there, that is my confession.  My wonderful husband used to call me Monica when we were first living together, after Monica from Friends.  My fridge magnets were symetrical.  My CD's and DVD's were alphabetised, and catalogued, my books were grouped alphabetically, by author and then by date released.....  Yep!  Control freak!

Now, with children (and a husband) in my life, my house is in chaos.  My books, cd's and dvd's are routinely removed from the shelves and strewn about the floor by my one year old.  My 6 year old has claimed most of the fridge magnets and they serve the purpose of displaying her artistic efforts for the viewing public as they pass through my kitchen.

As I worry about my health, I appreciate that chaos more.  We went camping at the weekend and the kids were covered in dirt head to toe from arriving friday to leaving sunday.  My 6 year old got through 6 sets of clothes in 2 days and still came home in dirty ones.  It was wonderful.

This weekend, we have played outside, the girls have had their playpool and ball pit out and I have been trying to find the flower beds under the weeds, and it has been wonderful to watch them play, carefree, dirty, no tv, no computer, just a bit of water, a few toy boats and some plastic balls in an inflatable car.  Last night, we sat and watched the first Harry Potter movie together.  I was nearly sent mad by the "who's he", "what's going to happen". What's going to happen now", What just happened" questioning, but we made it to the end, and she wants to watch the rest with me now - we'll see...  she's only 6 and the early ones aren't to scary but the later ones may just be too much for her I think, she is a delicate girl emotionally.

Today, I am finally getting on with that Will, and trying to up my insurance, just in case, but mainly, I am trying to make memories with my girls.  Whether I die next year or in 50 years, I want to be sure that every day spent with them is not wasted but enjoyed and treasured to the full. What blessings children are.  We see ourselves in their young faces, remember the innocence and joy of our youth and how quickly we wanted to be grown, and now we are, how much we would give to return to those happy easy days of childhood.  I wonder how much they will remember when they are grown, and if they will find the same memories crossing their minds as the splash and play with their own children in their gardens.....  I hope so....

Thursday 23 June 2011

A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own. ~Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain

It is a month almost since I have written anything in this blog, and it has been relatively uneventful except for a certain feeling that I need to put my house in order, so to speak, regarding my own mortality and the consequences of my passing to those around me.

I am not sick (as far as I know) and, touch wood, have no intention of having a nasty accident, but somehow my mind has been turning to the what ifs.

Usually when I scan through the blogs on here, I get 20 quilting pages or 20 Baptist churches.  Last time I came on, I got one after another on cancer, sickness, support groups, people who had defeated illness, people who were fighting illness, and in two sad cases, the blogs recording the last months and days of people who in the end lost the battle.

It made me sad and thoughtful at the same time.  A year ago, a friends sister went to the doctor with a sore back, thinking she had pulled a muscle or something.  She was diagnosed with agressive cancer and died a year later, after having been given only a few months to live.  She was 29 when she was diagnosed.  She had 4 young children.

So I got to thinking, I am 36 this birthday, so clearly, I can no longer say I am "too young" for it to happen to me.  I have 2 young kids and a husband who live with me in Canada while all of our other family members are in the UK.  What if...

What if something happened to me?  How would Lee manage with the kids?  He works shifts so would he have to leave his job to look after them - how would he support them?  Who would help him?  What about bills and debts?

What if something happened to both of us?  Who would the kids go to?  Probably my parents, but before they could get to them who would look after them in the short term while my parents made plans to come out to Canada?  Would they end up in care until the legalities were sorted out?

We have no wills or life insurance.  We don't get regular check ups.  I suddenly realised steps need to be taken... and fast.

I am setting up a Will on-line and will get Lee to do the same.  We don't need to get a full notorised one as we rent our house and don't really own much, its mainly to ensure the kids stability.  We need to get Life insurance arranged asap and both get a medical.  And a really important one, we need to make sure our best friends here have the numbers of both of our parents so that if there is an accident, someone can contact them and make arrangements.

I am not someone who fears death, I never have, but I do fear what my parting would do to those around me.  I would not like a long, lingering death, but at the same time, if I were able to spend one extra day with my husband and children, would I not fight to do so?

Albert Einstein said "Our death is not an end if we live on in our children and the younger generation.  For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life."  This resonates with me.  I have always loved the image of the tree of life.  In fact, I have just been creating a family tree for the kids to know their heritage as they grow up, and I have drawn a tree of life image for the background.  The drawing is something I would like as a tattoo in time also, with my name and my husbands in the roots, and the kids names among the leaves.  My children are my legacy on the world, and I will do my best to teach them the errors of history and the ways to use them for a better future, as any good parent does, but mainly, I hope, I will teach them to love and be loved.

Wednesday 1 June 2011

Here comes the rain again....

Well Annie Lennox is originally from Scotland, land of mist and midges (thats like a mini mosquito if you didn't know) and most of all, rain!  Actually, anywhere in the UK is pretty much a land of rain.  If you get a dry day back there it is cause for celebration, 2 in a row and people start complaining about a heatwave!

So, it was actually with some enthusiasm that I greeted the rain just over a week ago, on the sunday of our long weekend.  I kept up the enthusiasm, to some degree, for a few days, but looking at the clouds outside now, after having endured a week of rain and only 2 days of sun following it, I will happily say "rain, rain, go away".

Being British, you get used to doing "stuff" in the rain.  Shopping, Dog walking, Hiking, Camping, Outdoor sports and any places you visit are almost always accompanied by a 'drizzle', 'spitting' 'shower' or more often than not 'downpour'.  The words "It's pissing down again" are not uncommon in the Island Nation of Brittania, believe me.

In the stalwart British manner therefore, on Thursday Freyja and I set off for Downtown Calgary and the Children`s Festival in the pouring rain - possibly the worst rain of the whole week.  She was away at Sparks camp at the weekend, and the school was taking her to the festival on the Friday, so I decided to make a long weekend of fun for her, kept her off school, took the baby to the dayhome as normal and off we went.  It was a lovely day for both of us.  It is so rare to have any time for just us two.  She gets time with her dad every weekend when he takes her to her dance class, but I almost always have a baby attached, limpet like, to some part of my body, and poor daughter #1 gets left out a bit.

It was fun.  We had icecream, we made clay art, we had our faces painted and made a comic book together, she narrated, I drew it (I use the term drew very loosely) and then she coloured it in.  We were rained on constantly and the ground beneath our feet splashed and slurped with each step (anyone who has been to a music festival or camping in the UK will be very familiar with this).  We went for McDonalds and 'sat-in' (we always get it take out and she always wants to sit in).  It was great!!  Then in the car on the way home, it started.... the arguing, the whining, the generally being a turd!!  At bed time, when it escalated again, I asked her why she was acting that way after such a lovely day out (cue face like Puss in Boots off Shrek) "I wanted it to be just us all the way to bed time but you went and got Rosie back!"  Awww!  It's hard to be angry when given that as a reason.

So, now the baby is a bit happier being left with her dad, dayhome etc, maybe Freyja and I can schedule in some more girl time outside the house, just the two of us, and maybe that will help bring my smiley girl back.

So how is that To Do list coming along???


Well it is a full month since I made my list, and the first thing I have realised is that it is not a list of 50 things, its 55 things.  Maybe I should add number 56.  Learn to count....

And so, I am going to cut and paste this to the top at the beginning of every month so I can log what I have actually done and not forget about it.

So here we have the updates for month # 1 - Not too bad if I say so myself.

Projects

1. Paint Dining Table and Chairs
2. Sew and repair all items in the sewing basket that have now been waiting over a year!
3. Paint Playroom with Mural
4. Scan old photos and put some on Facebook
5. Put all photos into new albums and only keep the good ones!  Started on this but have so many photos I think it will take the full 500 days!!
6. Finish embroidery on Sparks bag for Freyja
7. Make personalised crossstitch item for both girls in time for christmas 2011

Kids
8. Finish Baby Book for Freyja (now 6 years old)
9. Get Baby Book up to date for Rosie
10. Create Family Tree for kids
11. Finish 1st Year Photos for Rosie
12. Make a Fairy house for the girls in the garden
13. Spend a Mom day with Freyja getting hair done / Nails done without baby coming too.  We did spend a day, just us at the Childrens Festival, but I think I'll keep this on the list to have a real girlie day.
14. Volunteer for a day (maybe Thanksgiving) with Freyja to teach her how fortunate she is.
Health & Fitness
15. Get weight down below 170 lbs (Was over 200 when I went in to have Rosie)
16. Run a 5K - Signed up for May 8th! Well, didn't run exactly, walked it with hubbie.  He pulled F.H. in the wagon and I pushed L.R. in the stroller.  Because of that we had to be in the stroller bit and its difficult to pick up much speed there.  Did it in an hour though so not too bad considering.
17. Run a 10K - August or November depending on how long it takes to get fitness level up.
18. Incorporate fruit or vegetables into Lunch and Dinner every day for 2 weeks to get into the habit - hopefully then I'll keep doing it. 
19. Don't eat chocolate or ice cream for a month (now this one will be hard!)
20. Get up to running 2 km instead of just walking and alternate running and walking up to 10km
21. Take a Belly Dancing or Pole Dancing class

Family
22. Go on a family vacation (at least twice/yr.)
23. Take a spontaneous weekend trip to somewhere close
24. Get family pictures taken
25. Go on a picnic.   We did this with our trip out to Johnson Lake near Banff.
26. Go on a nature trail with kids.
Personal
27. Write in Blog at least once a week.  Trying hard to do this now
28. Put together a photo collage for both sets of parents and my grandparents of me, DH and the girls
29. Write a letter to my Dad (He's been waiting a long time for this)  Done!!!!  Yay - only took 4 years!!
30. Write a short childrens story for the girls
31. Finish reading "Pride & Prejudice & Zombies"  Still reading
32. Finish the Dragon crossstitch I started when I was 19 (I am now 35 and it will only take a few hours to finish)
33. Get dragon cross stitch framed and put up with pride of place.
34. Take a cooking or painting class.
35. Make a will and set up what would happen to kids in W.C.S.
36. Write a letter or make a video for kids for them to have of me if anything happened.

Finance
37. Save some money for a visit back to the UK next year.
38. Save to RESP's for girls (Now set up finally!)  I suppose I can consider this done as they are now set up and the saving has begun - just need to up the amount next year when we have a bit more cash on hand.
39. Set up RRSP's for me and DH.
 
Home & Organization
40. Clean oven every 2 weeks so it doesn't get so horrible
41. Set up Chore Chart for me, DH and Freyja so everyone does something to keep on top of things
42. Organize Playroom  Done
43. Organize Office Space and get rid of stuff that really is not needed
44. Organize closet and get rid of big clothes so I can't 'grow' back into them.  Done some but still have a few more things to get rid of
45. Go through memory boxes and condense them down before they take over the house.
46. Have a Garden Chore chart for the summer / fall
47. Plant seeds for flowers and veggies and grow garden with Freyja
48. Go through house and get rid of EVERYTHING we don't use  - if you don't ever use it, you don't need it!

Food
49. Get a Box freezer for the basement
50. Create a 2 week meal planner and use it to shop and cook
51. Create a batch of freezer meals
52. Use herbs and veggies from our own garden and MAKE SURE THEY DON"T DIE!
53. Cut out as much processed food as possible
54. Retrain Freyja to eat without the use of Alphagetti, Chicken Nuggets or Ketchup (again this one may prove impossible)
55. Cook a new recipe each week from one of the many cook books we have.