Stop being a crazy lady and pull it together!!

That's what I've told myself, and that's what I've done.

I am no longer feeling like The End of (My) World is Nigh!  Actually, I'm feeling pretty good.

I got my blood tests done yesterday and my ultrasounds are in the morning.  Someone I know mentioned the symptoms I had sounded like Endometriosis, so, yes, I went back to the dreaded Internet, but with an actual affliction in mind you get so much more reliable results.  Looking at the symptoms, I think my friend was bang on in her diagnosis.  It sounds like symptoms I've been having since I was a teen, just that they have gotten progressively worse until I am at this point and in pain most days.  The thing is, whilst it's painful, and damned annoying, it is in no way life threatening.  So, while the Doc still needs to do his diagnosis and agree with this, I am feeling in a more positive frame of mind, because it is something I can again have control over.

Because of my little panic, and my current sunnier mindset, I have been reminded of just how much I adore my darling hubby and our beautiful daughters, and consequently I have been making the most of my spare time with the kids.  The house perpetually looks like a bomb site (hopefully no visitors will come!) but I had a lovely weekend at the splash park on Saturday and a classic car show on Sunday with my girls.  Fun was had and quality time was spent.  Monday, Freyja wanted to head to the park in the evening.  Usually I am full of excuses, it's too hot, too cold, too windy, too rainy, too late etc.  But Monday, I moved my lazy arse, and off we went.  It was lovely!  Sure, my own personal ground zero awaited me at home (it still does incidentally) but hell, there are always more dishes to clean, clothes to wash, floors to sweep, but how many precious moments of childhood are there remaining.  They tick by so fast, we need to grab them with both hands, capture memories on film and enjoy each precious second.... And then embarrass them with the photographic evidence when they are teenagers!!! :-)

My name is Lisa and it has been a month since my last confession...

Well, not confession as such, but really, what is a blog if not a chance to expunge our soul and psyche of all the floating doubts and lingering guilt trips that we take ourselves on daily.

Since my last post, the feeling I have had of my own impending mortality has become stronger, and is now accompanied by pain, and lots of it.  What started as a niggle here and a niggle there, has become in a month a mind numbing assault of aches and stabbing sensations everywhere between chest and thigh level.  My whole lower back and abdomen is rebelling against me and I have no idea of the cause, so I am to visit the doctor in a couple of days.

Of course, I did the worst thing any person could do on getting pains, I consulted the internet.... never ever consult the internet with the intention of making a self diagnosis.... you will ALWAYS be dying of cancer!!  ALWAYS!!

Of course, I could be, but that is not the point.  I don't know what it is causing the pains.  It could be kidney stones, ovarian cysts, IBS (otherwise a very bad case of gas!), really any number of things, but of course what it now is, in my head, thanks to the internet, is Ovarian Cancer.  A cancer which kills more than half of the people who get it and therefore my prophetic feelings of doom are coming to pass.

But really, I am trying to talk myself out of this.  There is absolutely no history of cancer in my family, I am 36 so not in the prime age group to get it, I took the combined pill for 10 years which hugely lowers the risk, I have 2 children, both delivered by c-section, the second only being a year ago, so you'd have thought they would have noticed while they were in there if anything was not looking right.

Of course, that always brings up the other option - they left a foreign object in me at the c-section....  again, it has been over a year so probably would have shown up by this point....

The problem is that I do not know what is wrong, and I hate that!  I hate not knowing why something is happening.  I hate not being able to stop it.  I hate having to rely on a doctor to get enough information from my garbled list of symptoms that they will send me for the correct round of tests in order to successfully come to a correct diagnosis.  I hate not being in control.....

I am a control freak.....  there, that is my confession.  My wonderful husband used to call me Monica when we were first living together, after Monica from Friends.  My fridge magnets were symetrical.  My CD's and DVD's were alphabetised, and catalogued, my books were grouped alphabetically, by author and then by date released.....  Yep!  Control freak!

Now, with children (and a husband) in my life, my house is in chaos.  My books, cd's and dvd's are routinely removed from the shelves and strewn about the floor by my one year old.  My 6 year old has claimed most of the fridge magnets and they serve the purpose of displaying her artistic efforts for the viewing public as they pass through my kitchen.

As I worry about my health, I appreciate that chaos more.  We went camping at the weekend and the kids were covered in dirt head to toe from arriving friday to leaving sunday.  My 6 year old got through 6 sets of clothes in 2 days and still came home in dirty ones.  It was wonderful.

This weekend, we have played outside, the girls have had their playpool and ball pit out and I have been trying to find the flower beds under the weeds, and it has been wonderful to watch them play, carefree, dirty, no tv, no computer, just a bit of water, a few toy boats and some plastic balls in an inflatable car.  Last night, we sat and watched the first Harry Potter movie together.  I was nearly sent mad by the "who's he", "what's going to happen". What's going to happen now", What just happened" questioning, but we made it to the end, and she wants to watch the rest with me now - we'll see...  she's only 6 and the early ones aren't to scary but the later ones may just be too much for her I think, she is a delicate girl emotionally.

Today, I am finally getting on with that Will, and trying to up my insurance, just in case, but mainly, I am trying to make memories with my girls.  Whether I die next year or in 50 years, I want to be sure that every day spent with them is not wasted but enjoyed and treasured to the full. What blessings children are.  We see ourselves in their young faces, remember the innocence and joy of our youth and how quickly we wanted to be grown, and now we are, how much we would give to return to those happy easy days of childhood.  I wonder how much they will remember when they are grown, and if they will find the same memories crossing their minds as the splash and play with their own children in their gardens.....  I hope so....

A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own. ~Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain

It is a month almost since I have written anything in this blog, and it has been relatively uneventful except for a certain feeling that I need to put my house in order, so to speak, regarding my own mortality and the consequences of my passing to those around me.

I am not sick (as far as I know) and, touch wood, have no intention of having a nasty accident, but somehow my mind has been turning to the what ifs.

Usually when I scan through the blogs on here, I get 20 quilting pages or 20 Baptist churches.  Last time I came on, I got one after another on cancer, sickness, support groups, people who had defeated illness, people who were fighting illness, and in two sad cases, the blogs recording the last months and days of people who in the end lost the battle.

It made me sad and thoughtful at the same time.  A year ago, a friends sister went to the doctor with a sore back, thinking she had pulled a muscle or something.  She was diagnosed with agressive cancer and died a year later, after having been given only a few months to live.  She was 29 when she was diagnosed.  She had 4 young children.

So I got to thinking, I am 36 this birthday, so clearly, I can no longer say I am "too young" for it to happen to me.  I have 2 young kids and a husband who live with me in Canada while all of our other family members are in the UK.  What if...

What if something happened to me?  How would Lee manage with the kids?  He works shifts so would he have to leave his job to look after them - how would he support them?  Who would help him?  What about bills and debts?

What if something happened to both of us?  Who would the kids go to?  Probably my parents, but before they could get to them who would look after them in the short term while my parents made plans to come out to Canada?  Would they end up in care until the legalities were sorted out?

We have no wills or life insurance.  We don't get regular check ups.  I suddenly realised steps need to be taken... and fast.

I am setting up a Will on-line and will get Lee to do the same.  We don't need to get a full notorised one as we rent our house and don't really own much, its mainly to ensure the kids stability.  We need to get Life insurance arranged asap and both get a medical.  And a really important one, we need to make sure our best friends here have the numbers of both of our parents so that if there is an accident, someone can contact them and make arrangements.

I am not someone who fears death, I never have, but I do fear what my parting would do to those around me.  I would not like a long, lingering death, but at the same time, if I were able to spend one extra day with my husband and children, would I not fight to do so?

Albert Einstein said "Our death is not an end if we live on in our children and the younger generation.  For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life."  This resonates with me.  I have always loved the image of the tree of life.  In fact, I have just been creating a family tree for the kids to know their heritage as they grow up, and I have drawn a tree of life image for the background.  The drawing is something I would like as a tattoo in time also, with my name and my husbands in the roots, and the kids names among the leaves.  My children are my legacy on the world, and I will do my best to teach them the errors of history and the ways to use them for a better future, as any good parent does, but mainly, I hope, I will teach them to love and be loved.

That was the week that wasn't....

Wasn't productive, wasn't memorable, may as well never have been.

Since my last entry it snowed heavily, preventing my lunch time sojourns, which didn't matter really as I had no lunch times due to the fact that I was at home sick, as was my baby.  We have been hacking and coughing like a couple of old pipe smokers for a week.  My darling hubbie has been sleeping on the couch some nights to allow me to take her into bed and other nights I have been sleeping sitting up on the arm chair / chaise thing we have (called the comfy chair by all who know and love it), holding on to a wriggling 11 month old and hoping to get enough sleep to be fit for work.

We did, however, have a nice Easter meal with friends (cooked by my other half, I am banned from the kitchen except in a cleaning or chopping capacity on these occasions as he loves to cook for guests).  We had a slight issue in that the turkey had decided not to defrost in time (though it was perfectly defrosted as we tucked into our dessert!) but thankfully we also had ham, and as it turned out, enough food to feed about 20 people (there were 4 adults, 2 six-year old kids and a baby - my baby ate more than my 6 yr old as it happens).

This week I feel a bit better and am back to work.  Still sitting up on the chair at night though, which is far from ideal, but the baby is still not well and has become increasingly clingy again, so we are going to have to work on that.

So, now, here I sit at my desk, eating turkey sandwiches (I have had turkey every lunch and dinner for 3 days now!!) and wondering if it was even worth making an entry - I'm sure something happened, but I obviously can't remember and as my mother always told me, if you can't remember it, it can't have been important.  Irritated the hell out of me that.... of course I always say it to my daughter too... yes, I am turning into my mother (You look with your eyes, not your hands; If the wind changes your face will stay like that; Tidy your room or I'm coming in with a garbage bag etc etc).  Lord help my poor future grandchildren if they have to put up with a third generation version....

Anyhow, we are looking forward to the weekend, as we plan our first drive of the year out to the mountains.  One of the great things about living in Calgary is the close proximity to the Rockies, so we are hoping the weather holds for the weekend so we can pack up a lunch, take the baby on her first trip somewhere, and go to Banff (hopefully to the Hot Springs as we have been here 4 years and in all our visits to Banff still have never had a dip in the springs) and then maybe for a lakeside walk.  Not looking like we will camp this year so we will have to enjoy daytrips instead.